the sound of the rain

I was twenty two years old when I learned that I was addicted to pain. Grief, sadness. All of the above. I was hoarding sadness to the point that I became it. Of course I had happy days, I’ve lived a life some people could only dream of. But, my mind somehow always drifted back to the darkness. I have a leo sun and a pisces moon. a big ego, but hidden well within. I prefer the world to know only what I give it, and I was ashamed to give anything less than perfection. So I never mentioned a word, and unless I said something, no one could ever see it. But I’m starting to realize that they felt it. And the energy behind feelings is much stronger than the lies I was praying their eyes believed. Feelings are truths gifted to us by the Creator, the All-Knowing. That subtle knowing is more fact than any scientific thesis in existence could ever be. There’s a reason lived experiences teach us more than we learn in structured academia. Powerful to say the very least. And here I was, depositing sadness into every energy source around me without being mindful of the magnitude of my negligence. I simply couldn’t keep myself away from the darkness. I think it’s because it was easier. Less hope meant less expectations and less opportunity for disappointment. Even when basking in the sun, I was constantly preparing to hear the sound of the rain. I never let myself get too comfortable. I spent too long driving myself crazy by continually inviting the demon of sadness into my life. And what did sadness bring me? Her sisters: fear, anxiety, addiction, and self-sabotage.  I was ungrounded. Placing my foundation into the hands of man instead of in the hands of God. I feared life, death, and everything in between. When I was sad, I didn’t turn to God, I just sparked my j and kept it pushing. When I was in situationships, I was preparing for them to end before it even got started. And what did they do? Exactly that. I was using the magic within me for my own self-destruction, when I should have been living my truth and walking confidently in the light being shined within me. I’m thankful that time is over. I now know that overthinking about the worst only brings it to you more quickly. Your mind manifests what you pour your energy into. So from this day forward, I will only move within the energy of love. I don't know exactly what God is because it’s unfathomable. But, my closest guess is that He is love. Love creates all. Hate seeks to destroy. That is how I view the world. Operating in love gives birth to happiness, hope, peace, and all of the positivity that we ask God for every time we pray. Humans have mixed ego with divinity and created religions so corrupt that even his own children have failed to recognize His authentic nature. In my journey of unlearning, I have found that God cares about love. God cares about truth. God cares about those who honor Him and act with divine intention. All the other bullshit causing division is the evil of this world deterring you from living in the love that will carry you into the next. By choosing love, you choose God. And by choosing God you choose yourself. I still love the sound of the rain because I recognize that there is beauty in the struggle, but I now prefer the feeling of the sun. And hopefully after learning my journey, you will too.